I'm Sorry For The Person I Became
by YouLoveILoveYou
Summary: I wasn't always this way. I never planned to cheat on him or use her. This is why I have to go. I've done too much to everyone.
1. Just thought I'd say before I go

**Disclaimer: I do not own Rent. Although owning Mark and Roger wouldn't bother me. **

_Dear Everyone,_

_I am sorry for everything I have ever done to all of you. Now I know I must leave for good. I don't belong here with you all anymore. You guys need someone better than me now. I have no clue where I am going or what I will do when I get there, but I know I will always keep you guys close to my heart. I decided with this note I will explain to you why I have done everything I have done. A lot of my reasons may not make sense to you, but please try to understand and not hate me._

_ I wasn't always the slut people think I am. I had never planned to cheat on Mark. I loved him way to much. I still do. I remember when I worked at the Life when I would walk home there was a wedding gown shop. I would always gaze in and do a little mental shopping in case Mark ever popped the question. I would picture our wedding on some beautiful garden filled with daises under the moonlight. Sure it is a little unreal that would happen, but it's nice to dream. I really do love you Mark. I am sorry for all I did. I had always promised myself I would never cheat on anyone since I knew firsthand how it felt when I walked in on Roger and April. Of course I forgave them because April is my best friend and well Roger is Roger. That is when my insecurities I tried so hard to confine caught up with me. Then Mark came along to move in with us. I saw him and wanted him to so badly. I never expected him to ask me out. When I was with him I had that attention that made me feel like I was the most wonderful thing to walk the planet. Then, April died and Roger was going through withdrawl. I no longer had a best friend or the attention that I needed to feel okay. So then I would just go out drinking and find somone who would give that attention to me. At the time the attention felt great. Until I relized something about the sex, it would never be the same as me and Mark. Mark would be gentle and loving and passionate while the cheating never had anything similar to that. It was only lust filled. Cheating on him is one of my biggest regrets. He deserved so much more than that. I was so selfish and I guess I still am. Mark was always so willing to help and Roger was his bestfriend. I'm sorry Mark._

_ I had never meant to be so rude to Roger while he was in withdrawl, but I envied him so much at the time. He had Mark's attention. I needed that attention and I know now that he did to. His girlfriend just killed herself and he found out he was HIV+. I just had so much anger towards him. At the time I blamed him for who I became. I thought him cheating on me was what activated all my insecurities that had me cheating on Mark. Somehow I knew it reall wasn't him, but myself. I always had those insecurities within, but being cheated on made them more alive in a way. Now Roger don't think I am blaming you. I don't blame you I blame myself for being so stupid. I'm so sorry Roger._

_ Collins you are like a brother to me. Always there no matter what mean things I said when you would try to comfort me. That night I crossed the line. I will atleast give you the respect of telling you what happened. This is the night everyone assumes I first cheated on Mark. I did not cheat that night. I was raped by some creep. No one knows this except you all now and this is the first time I have let myself admit. Everyone should know what I said to Collins while he was trying to comfort me so you can see what a real bitch I am. I told him to get his gay ass out of my face and go to hell. I never before had used Collins being gay as an insult and I knew it had hurt him, but he forgave me anyways. I'm sorry Collins._

_ Benny I cannot say we still have much of a friendship anymore, but I am sorry for not accepting Allison. You still tried to be our friend, but I am the one who started the whole you selling out thing. I was jealous. It was horrible and it is my fault you are not still as much as family as you used to be. Guys please except Benny back into your family. He is a good person. I'm sorry Benny._

_ Joanne I owe you the biggest apology. No, I never cheated on you. What I did was worse. I used you for the constant attention. As said above I am still hopelessly devoted to the filmmaker. I never actually flirted because I wanted to. I wanted you to be angry so you would give me all your attention. Plus, you did look pretty damn hot when you were angry. I know it was extremely unfair of me, but I know deep down you don't love me. Your heart belongs to her. I was looking through the closet and I found some old stuff. I know she came to find you. Joanne don't let Julie slip away again. You love her and she loves you. No day but today right? I'm so sorry Joanne._

_ Mimi, I have not had the chance to do something horrible to you yet, but I know if I stay I would. If Angel hadn't died the same would go for her. Mimi honey get clean. Roger and Mark will be there. Even Collins will be there. You need to get clean and stay healthy. You and Roger deserve some happiness. _

_ I love you all very much and it hurts me to write this. Please, don't dwell on me leaving. I want you all to be happy. Best wishes to you all._

_Lots of love,_

_Maureen Johnson_


	2. Where has my heart gone?

**Disclaimer: I don't own Rent yet. About five months til my birthday though. Think my mom would think I am on something if I ask for the rights to Rent for my birthday? **

**A/N: Thanks to everyone **

**who reviewed. You guys so own. )**

Five Years Later.

She looked in the mirror at what she became. Her pale skin had become paler and her hazely green eyes looked numb. She was still beautiful, but more of an unreal beautiful. She was always in black leather and had red lipstick on her lips. Black eyeliner and mascara to make her face look more intense. That is what attracted people to her. She looked like some creature to walk out of someone's fantasty. Maureen worked as a dancer at one of the most popular casinos in Vegas. It was called the Lionclaw Casino. Tonight there was a major event. It was a huge party that would have numerous famous people and producers. She was wondering if Mark would be there. She knew he had become pretty big now. This is why her stomach was filled with butterflies. She knew he would want to talk about the note she left. The other option is what scared her even more, him not wanting to talk about the note, because he had a beautiful girlfriend. "No," she thought, "He deserves someone. He shouldn't be alone." A knock on the door disturbed her from her thoughts.

One of the guards came to tell her that she would be expected on in twenty minutes. She looked in the mirror ashamed. This was not the Maureen Johnson she had expected to be. _"Right now I am supposed to be some well known protestor that made a difference, and married with beautiful children. Not dancing around in a skimpy_ _outfit for people's pleasure. I mean no offense to Mimi, but doing this makes me feel lousy. I wish I was still back at the loft freezing my ass off. At least I would have a cute blonde, film maker to hold me and make me feel like I am worth something," she thought, " I need to get away from all this. I really wish I could go back to East Village, but it isn't that easy. I cannot expect them just to take me back with open arms after all I have done. If I was a better person I would not be here right now, but happy in his arms. I am far from that. I am some dancer who everyone assumes is a slut and I have these scars all over me. I really have tried to stop and make myself better so I could go home, but it isn't working. I cannot go back until I am a decent person." _She heard her name being called and strutted onto the stage preparing herself for the emotional damage that would come from this dance. Her smooth voice sung a song that made the men completely mesmorized while dancing with moves that would leave them to fanastize about more. All eyes were on her and it made her feel even worse. This is the attention she had craved while Roger was in withdrawl. Then she scanned the audience and saw his face. For a moment their eyes locked and she could she the disapointment in his eyes. She turned away a kept to her amazing dancing that the crowd seemed to be enjoyed when the music in she got off stage and into the crowd. Her boss required her to mingle with the guests. She crossed her fingers praying Mark wouldn't come to talk. Knowing him that was very unlikely, but she could still hope.

After about an hour of mingling she was getting ready to leave for home. She had just about relaxed figuring Mark wouldn't talk to her. Then, he walked up to her and said, "Tomorrow I am taking you out to dinner. I know where you work so if you do not meet me at the Lupin Cove at 6:30 tomorrow I will have to come find you. So don't back out on me." He grabbed her for a gentle embrace and then walked away. She knew this would be one stress filled dinner for her.


	3. Did you know I miss you?

**Disclaimer: Still don't own Rent. Although I am working on owning Mark and Roger. **

**A/N: Sorry for such short chapters! I have had tons of homework and band practice. Thanks to anyone who reviewed. You guys sooo own. )**

As Mark walked away she stood there for about five minutes numb. She knew that it would be hard to resist the temptation that came with seeing such a handsome face and amazing personality. "_Damn it! Why must he insist on being so perfect? He still has thee scarf. I remember he wanted to teach me how to knit and that Christmas I made him that scarf. I loved when he was teaching me. He would put his usually warm hands on mine to show me how my hands should be moving. Those days were so perfect. Then it went all down hill from there. I miss him so much," she said in her head, "but unfortunately I cannot go back until I become a better person. Ha, like that will happen. All my life is, is a fucking tango! They even said it."_

Maureen walked down the dimly lit street lost in her hectic thoughts. Her pale skin looked almost transparent in the moonlight. She headed back to her house in order to sort her thoughts and how she was feeling. Seeinig Mark again was nice, but terrifying. She hoped she could maybe have another chance, but she knew that he deserved more than what she had to offer. "_Maybe we can be friends, again. Something completely plantonic. Oh Maureen, don't get your hopes up. Well, why would he ask, more like demand, you come to dinner if he didn't miss her even a little? Maybe, he is angry. Who could really blame him? Mark, could never stay angry before though. HELLO! It has five years," she argued to herself._ As she walked back into her apartment she threw her coat off and just laid down on her bed for awhile. Not too much later she was asleep with her dreams containing a certain film maker.

She woke up to the sound of the coffee pot. She had it set to go off at nine thirty every morning. This morning she knew what mug she wanted to use and it was the one in the very back she had always avoided. The mug was the same blue as Mark's eyes which was why she had gotten in the first place. Today was the day she would be having dinner with him. She needed to find a decent outfit to wear and lose the make up. She didn't want to be the dancer Maureen that night she just wanted to be the Maureen that Mark used to love. She had been trying so hard to get back who she used to be.

Maureen decided to spend her days watching numerous movies. Her list was Pretty in Pink, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, The Notebook, The Way We Were, and Casablanca. Around five she started to get ready. She searched through her closet for something appropiate and finally found something she thought would work. It was a pair of dark, denim jeans that Mark had picked out for her when they were dating with a red long sleeved shirt that had lace over the actual shirt. Then she took a steamy, hot shower so she would be nice and clean. She tamed her locks and then finally got dressed. By the time she finished it was around six and she decided she would leave to go off to dinner.

She got to the restaurant around six fifteen and decided to wait outside for Mark. The chilly air started to make her nose and cheeks pinkish. Finally, Mark walked up to her. For a few moments he looked at her mesmorized by how she looked exactly the same yet completely different. "_There's an oximoron for you," he thought, "I hope this goes well. She has to come home. I still love her and I cannot lose her, again. That would hurt entireley to much. Look at her. She is gorgeous. Oh my god! Either she cuts herself or she is on smack. There are so many scars. She looks so not, well, peppy and bubbly as she used to be. I need to get her out of here." _

The two walked into the crowded restaurant seeming to be more content around each although both of them were extremely nervous at that moment. They sat at a booth that was in a random corner towards the back. Mark looked up from the menu and at Maureen, "Maureen?"

"Hmm?"

"You should come see everyone. They all miss you."

"Mark...I I'll try."

"Thank-you."

"So anyways how are Mimi and Roger?"

"Oh well um, well, Mimi died to years ago."

"What? How'd Roger take it? Oh my god the poor guy! First April now Mimi!"

"Well I think he would've taken it worse if Reeny wasn't there."

"...Reeny?"

"She is their daughter. She was about a year old when Mimi died."

"Awh, that must be an adorable child."

"Yep. Her full name is Maureen Angelina Davis."

"Maureen? The Angelina part I get. It is to have Angel as part of the name."

"Mimi wanted her named after you. She said after Angel died she looked to you as a best friend."

"Great. I let her down. Damn it!"

"Maureen let's just go to your place. We paid the bill and everything. I just want to talk to you. Plus, there are a lot of people waiting for a table so we should get going. It has been weird without someone constantly calling me "Pookie." Although for awhile Roger and Mimi were calling me Pookie in hopes of well...nevermind. Plus we were kind of in a not akward silence during dinner"

"Roger called you Pookie?"

"Well um yes, but only because it was Mimi's "plan," Mark sighed.

"Please tell me you got that on film"

"Yes, unfortunately I did.."

"That is so great. Just the thought of Roger saying Pookie makes me want to laugh and yes let's go to my place."

The two bohemians walked to Maureen's quietly enjoying each other's present and just wanting the moment to last. Maureen was afraid to find out that Mark was over her while Mark was just scared for Maureen. He knew she was different now and he was afraid of her heading down April's road. When they finally made it home both of them were eager to feel the heater gently blowing through the room. Maureen decided to make hot chocolate since it was so chilly **out tonight**. When Maureen got back to the maroon themed living room she found Mark looking through her movies. She relized he had found an old copy of The Wizard of Oz. He smiled his handsome smile and exclaimed, "We have to watch this! Remember how we used to watch this all the time when you first moved to the loft?"

"Uh yeah! We never made it through the whole movie either without getting erm well you know."

"You bet I do. That was awes- I mean well you know."

"Why thank-you Mr. Cohen. I shall put this movie on then."

Maureen went over and leaned down to put the video in. As she was doing so Mark was watching her. He was so amazed by her still. He knew he would always be her pookie no matter how hard he would try to get over her. When she came and sat on the couch he felt his nerves get to him. About fifteen minutes into the movie Mark slipped his arm around Maureen's shoulder and pulled her close to him. For a minute she seemed scared and he almost let go, but then she relaxed in his arms. Relief swept over him as she did so. It felt so good having her in his arms again. It had been so long since he had the feeling in his heart she gave him in moments like that.

Roger used to make fun of him for being whipped. Mark finally admitted to himself that we was whipped and would always belong to Maureen Victoria Johnson. After quite awhile of sitting there he pulled Maureen into a kiss. At first she felt herself tense up, but then gave in since she wanted that kiss so bad. He pulled away gently and Maureen's thoughts went insane. Her thoughts raced, "_What if he didn't mean to do that? What if he regrets it? What if he has some amazingly gorgeous girlfriend back in New York waiting for him and I just killed the Mark being forever faithful part? What if he doesn't want me anymore? I need him! God Damn it I need Mark Cohen and I will finally admit that to myself!"_

Mark just looked at her and said calmly, "Did you know I miss you?"

She just looked at him for a few minutes wondering if he had really meant it. She relized Mark was never a good liar and she let out shakely, "I missed you so much," and just clung onto him afraid to let go. She felt the tears welling up in her eyes and Mark pulling her closer. It broke Mark's heart to see Maureen like this. She had always seemed so strong and able to contain herself. Before she would never have let anyone see her cry. In a way he would rather have her let her emotions out than contain them, but this was just so new to him. He just tried to soothe her with words and his embrace, "Shh, Maureen it is okay. I missed you too." She looked up at him questionably and he decided if he didn't ask her now he never would. "Maureen, will you come back to New York with me?"


	4. Click Your Heels Together

**Disclaimer: I do not own Rent. **

Maureen looked at Mark shocked by what he was asking. Her red, puffy eyes looked like they were deviding whether or not this was real. She certainly was not expecting this so she exclaimed, "What!"

"I want you to come to New York with me."

"Wait, are you talking to me?"

"Um...yeah. You're the only one here so yeah I am talking to you."

"Wow, um..."

"You can stay at the loft with me, Rog, Reeny, and Collins. The loft is actually pretty nice now that we always has heat and electricity. Plus, it looks nice inside now, too. Please, Maureen." Mark looked at her pleadingly.

"Um, sure. You know what? That would be great."

"Glad you think so." Mark pulled her close and gathered her into a kiss. This was the best both of them had felt in a very long time. After they relized the movie ended they both decided they needed to get to sleep, but before Mark could leave to go to his hotel Maureen suddenly said, "Mark, please don't leave. Will you stay here tonight?"

This is what made Mark truly aware of how much she needed someone. Her face looked vulnerable and unsure. He wished he could wash all that away from her and have her see how truly wonderful she is. He decided to stay there and just sleep in the sweats he was wearing. "Of course I will stay."

Maureen came out of the bathroom in a navy blue tank and light blue boy shorts and climbed into bed next to Mark. It made her smile that he was comfortable enough to sleep without his shirt on around her. When she first met him he was so shy about that. Now here he was only in gray sweat pants. She cuddled into him and rested her head on him. Mark looked down and saw how tired she looked. She fell asleep within minutes while he just sat and watched her. His eyes wondered back to her scarred arms and he saw some recent cuts. He traced all her scars with his thumb. It killed him to know she was most likely doing this to herself. He really wished she could see herself as he saw her. "_I will have to ask her about that when we get back to New York. I am afriad if I do it here she will decide not to come with me. I need her to come with me. If I ruined her coming I would not be able to live with it. I have to listen to what Collins told me before I came. Don't make her rush into telling you what has been going on these past five years. She needs time. It was obvious she has not been too happy here. Well at least tomorrow morning we can plan on when to go home."_

He fell asleep with thoughts of her in his head.

-The morning after-

Maureen woke up first since she heard the oh so sacred coffee pot. She looked up and saw Mark and smiled. She rolled slightly on top of him and brushed her hand against his cheek. His eyes fluttered open and he smiled. He grabbed his glasses and slid them on. Then mumbled, "Good Morning."

She giggled and rested her head down on his chest. She looked into his eyes for a second and then looked away quickly. Then she left the room to make breakfeast. Mark was left there wondering what the hell that was all about. He got up and found her in the kitchen and walked up behind her and snaked his arms around her waist. The only thing she did was become more stiff. This made Mark nervous and wonder what was wrong and if she was having second thoughts about New York. He made her body turn around and saw what exactly she was doing. She had a razor to her arm and tears sliding down her face. Mark just pulled her closer and grabbed the razor from her. He picked her up and carried her with him onto the couch. He had her sitting on his lap and didn't make a sound, but she was still crying. He just held his embrace tighter. She whispered, "I'm sorry Mark. You deserve better than this. I'll just stay here."

Mark looked at her like she was insane. "No Maureen, you are coming with me. End of story. Theres no way I will let you go again. I love you too much."

"Don't say that."

"What, I love you? Well guess what? You are going to have to learn to live with the fact that I, Mark Cohen, am hopelessly in love with you, Maureen Johnson."

" You don't mean that."

"I know very well how I feel. You are the only girl I have though about since the first time I have met you."

"Mark...please. You can't love me."

"Why the hell not?"

"Because I don't deserve you! You deserve some girl who is prettier and smarter! Not me! Look at me I'm a wreck!"

Mark just looked at her for a second and then said calmly, "Which is what I want. I don't want some girl who is perfectly together. I want you. You're interesting and full of surprises. Your smile makes me smile. I want you back in my life. Please Maureen. I need you. I need something good in my life and as great as Roger and Collins are I need you! Maureen, don't listen to your insecurities because quite frankly they are crazy and don't know how great you are. Listen to me! Trust me! Come with me. Maureen, you are amazing and I need someone amazing like you. And if you say you are not amazing I will have to kidnap you and drag your white ass back to New York."

"I'm really sorry. I'll come, but you will regret it. I am not the girl you need."

"Maureen just don't right now. I know you better than you know yourself. I see the things you don't. Just please trust that I love you."

"I'll try. I really will try. And Mark?"

"Yes Maureen?"

" I love you, too. Never stopped and I don't think I ever will."

Mark just grabbed her and had her sit in his arms while a few silent tears slide down his pale cheeks. He kissed her soft forehead and hugged her close to him. His hand rubbed her back softly to comfort both of them. He could not believe how tortured she looked when he told her she was amazing. She just let herself collapse in his arms that very moment and whispered she was sorry yet another time. Maureen looked up and wiped Mark's tears away. She look like an injured puppy when her fingers made contact wth his face. She was trying so hard to resist the temptation when he kissed her. At first she tried, but eventually gave in to his kiss. Mark couldn't seem to get close enough to her and just kept holding her tighter and closer. She pulled away and looked confused for a second. Mark looked at her pleadingly. When he gave her that look she hugged him. She sighed, "I don't know how you do it."

"Do what?"

"I will be feeling like the worst thing to ever happen then you do that and I feel amazing."

"You are amazing. You just don't see it."

"See that! You really do need someone else though. You deserve that. I will be around until you change your mind though."

"Well I won't be changing my mind though. I have waited six years to have you back."

"Alright. So what do you want for breakfeast?"

"Eggs and pancakes and toast and you."

"Dirty!"

"Exactly."

"Okay you do eggs and I'll make the pancakes."

"Alrgiht sounds like a plan, Maureen."

"Okay Markie."

"Can I ask you a favor?"

"Hmm?"

"Can you call me Pookie just for today?"

"Um sure...but why?"

"I missed it."

"Mmkay Pookie."

They gathered all the things they needed to make their breakfeast and made their breakfeast in pretty much silence until Maureen got a fun idea while getting milk out of the fridge. She grabbed the bottle of chocolate syurp and squirted some on Mark.

"MAUREEN!"

With that Mark grabbed the strawberry syurp and pour some on Maureen. Maureen leaned over towards Mark and looked into his eyes for a second and then quickly turned away. She went back to the pancakes so they wouldn't burn while Mark made more eggs. As soon as everything was ready they decided to eat breakfeast in the living room. Maureen looked up at Mark and started laughing. He looked at her and then questioned, "WHAT?"

"There is chocolate...on your pretend...eyebrows," she panted between laughs.

Mark looked at her like she was insane until he started laughing along with her. After they finally got over their laughing fit and finished eating Mark knew exactly what he wanted to do. He led Maureen to the bedroom and started kissing her passionately. Soon the kiss got very heated and clothes magically slipped away. This was the first time in six years Mark had ever felt truly alive.


	5. Death is Contagious

**Disclaimer: Um, let's see if I owned Rent why would I be writing this?**

**A/N: Sorry it is so short. I will try to get the next chapter up as soon as I can!**

The loudness of Mark's cell phone ringing interrupted them. Maureen looked confused and then realized what it was. Mark sighed, "Damn it! Hold on a second," he grabs his phone and picks it up," Hello. Oh god. Is he okay? We will be there as soon as possible." Maureen looked at him concerned and Mark just looked like a little boy who found out his puppy was never coming back. Maureen half yelled, "Mark, what is it?" 

"It's Collins. He's in the hospital." 

"Oh God. We have to get back." 

"We? Really you'll come?" 

"Yes, let me just gather some stuff and you call the airline." 

"Okay." 

Maureen grabbed her suitcase and threw any clothes in without really paying attention. Then, she grabbed her bathroom stuff and keys. She hurried out to Mark who was printing something out on her computer. He grabbed her hand and they ran to the main street where his hotel was and got all his stuff. Maureen waved down a cab and they rushed to the airport to catch their flight. Both of them terrified that they may never get to see Collins again. Maureen could barely keep herself together. They sat around the air port for what seemed like forever waiting to board their flight. Maureen was shaking uncontrollably while Mark was absently rubbing her back to comfort her. Soon it was time for them to board and both grabbed each others hand as if afraid the other could slip away as easily as Collins might. 

After a few hours the plane landed and they rushed off and Maureen almost fell down a set of stairs, but fortunately Mark was used to her clumsiness and steadied her before she fell. She looked up and attempted a smile, but did not do very well. Mark just gently squeezed her hand. They had grabbed a cab and got to the hospital as soon as they could. They skipped the elevator and ran up the stairs. 

They finally made it to Collins room and it broke their heart. Roger looked like a train wreck and Collins looked like he was about to die any second. Maureen ran up and just hugged him mentally hoping that she could just hold him from death. He looked up and smiled his Collins smile, " Hey Mo. I missed you and your white ass." 

Maureen smiles despite herself, " I've missed you, too. I'm sorry I just left like that. I mean I finally make it back and…Shit. I love you, Collins." 

"Mo, calm down. I know you do. Me and you don't have any choice, but to love each other. And it looks like someone got laid." 

Mark shifts nervously, "Uh, what makes you think that?" 

"The fact that you are glowing as I am about to die. Plus, you have that I just had sex with Maureen look on." 

"Collins…Don't talk like that. And yes I got laid…finally." 

Roger looked up, "You seriously haven't had sex since you dated Maureen? That is six damn years." 

Collins starts laughing, "Damn boy! And Mo, I am glad your back. Now you better stay. Your "Pookie" needs you." 

"God, you are making me sound retarded. I just like the way pookie sounds." 

"I know. That is why we all love you." 

Benny rushed in and hugged Collins and whispered, "I got here as soon as I could. Damn airports seem to like delays these days. Anyways, never go to Florida. To damn hot." 

C 

ollins cleared his throat and let himself finally be serious, "Guys I am going to miss you up there. Maureen, firstly I have to say I will personally drag my ass back to haunt you if you leave here again. Plus, Mark wouldn't be able to take that again. The boy loves you. Second, you are like a sister to me and I love you. I'll always be with you. Okay, Benny we are like brothers. No matter what be sure to watch after these losers. Mark, me and you have the craziest times and serious times. Keep filming. Your films are inspiring. Oh, and don't let Maureen slip away. Roger, you are one of my closest friends. We may have our tense times, but we always work it out in the end. You are an awesome father to Reeny. Don't wake her, but tell her I love her." 

Collins coughed weakly and Maureen's eyes filled with tears. She hugged Collins for the millionth time. As she pulled away Mark was about to hug him the heart monitor flatlined. 


	6. Another Day, Another Loss

**Disclaimer: I do not own Rent. I wish I did, but sadly I do not.**

As the heart monitor flatlined Maureen felt herself no longer able to hold back her tears and her thoughts blurred fastly through her mind, _"I finally got to see Collins again he he dies ten minutes later. Why did I leave? That is five wasted years. I could have been back here with Collins and I missed Mimi's funeral. Some friend I am. I don't deserve to be accepted back this easily. What will I do without Collins? Collins has always been there for me. Ever since I have met him he has always supported me and helped me. I can't come back here with him gone. Yes, Mark will be here. What if I screw that up? Who will be here to listen and appreciate my protests and crazy views? Who else will be able to make me smile. His smile was so contagious. If you see him smile it makes it seem like everything in the world will be alright afterall. We all knew Collins had AIDS, but in our heads he seemed timeless. I guess it was all in wishful thinking that Collins time would never come. Now, the clock is ticking Roger off. He is the last one with the virus left. Who would have though six years ago that the man who was rotting away would outlive the rest of the infected? At least he is still here. It is just horrible to think that he can only last so much longer."_

Mark and Roger just stared at the heart monitor while Benny's hand started shaking and his eyes filled with tears. Mark seemed to come back to reality before Roger and let his eyes slip tears out and let his fingers slide across Collins cheek as the doctors were taking him out. Roger just stood there unable to move. Mark walked over to him and grabbed him in a hug. It brought Roger back and he just had a pained look across his face. The four knew they had a funeral to plan. Roger picked Reeny up and they walked back to the loft in a daze. When they walked in Maureen was in shock at how much the loft had changed. The furniture seemed new, the kitchen had good appliances, and the power was on. There was even a T.V. Maureen was not expecting the loft to be so different. She sighed thinking about how much she missed and looked up at everyone. Roger let out in a strangled voice, "I guess I forgot to say hi with everything going on, but hey Mo."

"Hi Roge."

Roger layed Reeny down on her bed and collapsed down onto the couch. Mark made a seat next to them and they both looked like they were about to burst when Benny let out a quiet sigh. Maureen just stood akwardly near them and Mark pulled her down on his lap and hugged her tightly. Benny got up and decided he would arrange the funeral to be the next day. Collins would be buried next to Angel. They wanted his headstone to say "Actual reality. Act up, Fight AIDS!" Maureen and Mark went to go buy a bunch of daisies since those were his favorite flowers to put on his grave while Roger picked out an outfit for him to be buried in. Benny stayed making sure the arrangements were perfect and then onto help Roger. Mark and Maureen had also decided to stop by the cemetary and see Angel and Mimi. That night they all had trouble sleeping since Collins was the only thing they could think about. Maureen slipped out of bed and found a notebook to write in. After she finished she slipped back in with Mark and had a light sleep.

The Next Morning

The funeral hall was filled with quite a few people. There was Mark, Maureen, Roger, Reeny, and Benny. Then Joanne and the Life Support members had came. Mark had went up for his speech and said sadly, " Collins. Tom Collins. That was how he always introduced himself. He was quite the character and an amazing friend. He was perfectly comfortable with who he was and accepted everyone else around him. He always found a way to forgive people. We all loved him."

Next, Roger came up, "Well, Collins always believed in people. He knew we could do anything. Him and Mark were always there for me during my withdrawl and for that I could not thank them more. Collins could always make me smile even when my life was dust. After Mimi died he was to first person to remind me of what I still had and I better get back up on my feet for Reeny and be the best father I could. He will forever be missed."

Maureen walked up and attempted a smile, " Well I guess I am really am a drama queen, but I am going to read a poem I wrote last night while I was trying to sleep. I know words cannot describe Collins so I am using my words to descride the emotions his death brought to me. So he goes..." Maureen took and deep breath and read out loud from her notebook.

"Conversations on dew covered grass

The sun barely peeking out sets what should be a calm mood

I turn away as I see a lonely tear fall from you

Blue eyes and slide down your cheek

We lean against polished rocks and sigh

The beautiful sunrise seems to mock our tired somber minds

Another day, Another heartache, Another speach

You try to assure me we will not have to do this again

We both know that is not true

The over powering smell of flowers is too much

Four feet under and two feet to go

We watch disease overcome love in the most brutal way

Another day, Another soul claimed, Another cry

Every reminder and every pill taken

Let us know we will be here again eventually

It comes with the life we have chosen

Our family used to be so big and happy

But another day came

Another day, Another loss."

Maureen quickly went back to her seat and tried to ignore the eyes on her. Temptation made her look at Roger since it was hinted at he will be next to go. He just looked away from her. 

She knew she should not have read the poem, but she did anyways. She looked around and saw Joanne who seemed to be surprised she was here and upset.

Soon enough the funeral was over and everyone stood around the grave. For a moment they were all silent and the Joanne broke the silence, "So Maureen, what dragged you back?"

"Oh um Mark ran into me while he was out of town and um wanted me to come back."

"Oh I see. You just leave randomly and come back out of nowhere. Do you know how long Mark stayed up the loft in case you came by? Do you know how much Collins worried about you? Do you know how crappy your stupid note made me feel? But no after all that you can just waltz back into everyone's lives!"

Maureen looked down and mumbled, "I'm sorry."

Yet again Joanne's temper flared, "Sometimes sorry doesn't cut it."

The girl who was with Joanne looked at Joanne with a look that told her she needed to calm down and then looked at Maureen and attempted a smile, "Hi I'm Julie. I am guessing you are Maureen."

"That's me."

Joanne decided to keep her mouth shut and just sat there looking angry as Maureen and Julie talked.

"Well, it's nice to finally meet you. I have heard a lot about you and seen you in numerous Mark Cohen Home Movies."

"You could say I hogged the spotlight. I loved when Mark would film me. I guess you would say I really love attention."

"Yeah. So how long are you staying here?"

"Oh, um well, I am moving back here. Um Mark asked me to and well I said yes."

Mark took Maureen's hand and gave it a soft squeeze and let go. He knew this was hard for her and certainly the fact Joanne was obviously not taking seeing her again well. Roger remained quiet holding a sleeping Reeny in his arms. They relectuantly walked back to the loft. Maureen seemed to be scared to let everyone see how upset she was. She avoided everyone's gazes and let herself be detached from whatever it is they were talking about. When they got back she went to the bathroom and pulled her sleeve up. She brought the razor that was in her pocket against her skin. She let the blood spilled and made another red line against her skin. She put toilet paper over it and then pulled her sleeve down. She flushed the toilet and went back out. Everyone was out there and just sort of chatting. She took her seat between Mark and Roger and sat there quietly until Joanne asked, "So, what have you been up to for the past five years?"

"Oh well, I have an apartment in Vegas and I dance at this club."

"Ah, like what Mimi did?"

"Yes, pretty much. It paid the bills."

"Yeah, I guess. Anyhow, have you made friends there?"

"Well, um, no."

"Why not?"

"Because I kind kept myself excluded from everyone."

"So you were actually considerate and didn't want to screw other people over."

Mark interrupted before Maureen could say anything, "Joanne stop it. We all make mistakes. We finally have Maureen back. Don't scare her away."

"Scare her away! Mark she left you here broken hearted!"

"Well, if you scared her away I would be even more broken hearted losing her again!"

"Fine. I'll be nice."

"Thank-you."

Roger decided he should enter the conversation, "So Mo, you want to meet Reeny. She is in her room playing with Barbies. She has been wanting to meet you for quite awhile now. She loves watching Mark's stuff and always asks about you."

"Awh, that's sweet. I saw her sleeping and she looks beautiful."

"Come on let's go see her."

Roger grabs Maureen's arm and leads her back towards Reeny's room, but drags her into his room. He just hugs her and says, "Okay I have missed you alot. Sure we argued a lot, but you are one of my closest friends. Also, Mimi missed you a lot, too. I know she would want what I am about to ask. Mark is Reeny's godfather and I was wondering if you would be her godmother. I promised Mimi that when you came back I would have you as her godmother."

"Roger of course. Oh, and I missed you, too. It's not the same without my rock star around."

"Nor has it been the same without the drama queen."

"Well, I say I should go meet my soon-to-be goddaughter."

"I agree"

Roger showed her to Reeny's room and there was Reeny playing with her Barbie dolls. Maureen smiled at how beautiful she was. She looked so much like her parents. She had Mimi's face and hair with Roger's eyes and skin. Her hands looked more like Mimi's and Maureen laughed when she relized she had Roger's toes. Roger's big toe was shorter than his second toe and when they were in high school she used make fun of his toes. Maureen's grin grew and she said, "Hi Reeny, I'm Maureen!"

Reeny smiled and said, "I finally get to meet the girl who is in all Uncle Marky's movies. He always tells me about you and Daddy says I was named after you!"

"Yep, that's me. I love the camera."

"I really like your cat costume. I want to be a kitty for Halloween! If you still have the costume we can match."

"Well Halloween is far away, but I like that idea."

"Good. So do you want to play Barbie. You can be the fairy princess one. She is my favorite."

"Of course I'll play with you! Why would I want to miss playing Barbie's with the most adorable little girl I know?"

"Thwank-you! Okay so here are the different clothes you can choose. I will let you choose first."

"No sweetheart. I want you to choose first."

"Okie dokie. You're really sweet. Just like Uncle Marky said."

"Oh he says I'm sweet now, does he?"

Mark was in the doorway filming the whole thing and smirked, "Yes, I do. "

"How long have you been filming?"

"Since Roger dragged you out of the living room."

"Wow you can be really quiet."

"Well, to be the observer sometimes requires being quiet."

"I guess."

Reeny sat there smiling. She was happy to meet Maureen and see her Uncle so happy. Plus, Joanne and Julie were usually to busy to play Barbie. And no offense to her Daddy and uncle, but they were not very good at playing Barbie. So after Mark left Maureen and Reeny played Barbie for awhile until they both fell asleep on the floor.


	7. All we can do is try

**Disclaimer: If I didn't own Rent in the first six chapters...Why would that change now? **

When Maureen woke up it took her a second to relize where she was. It hit her that she must have fallen asleep playing Barbie with Reeny. A smile spread across her face since she had hope that this could really work. Reeny seemed to really like her so far. Sure, Joanne had not exactly been thrilled to see her, but Roger, Mark, and Reeny seemed happy to see her. Even Benny seemed happy she was here. She knew it would be wrong to leave just because things with Joanne were shaky. Plus, she had told Mark she would be around until he changed his mind. She truly hoped he would never change his mind, but to her that seemed completely unrealistic. She decided to go make some coffee and saw that Roger had beat her to it. She smiled, "Great minds think alike."

"More like tired minds who are addicted to caffefine."

"That too."

"Looks like you and Reeny had fun last night."

"Yeah, she is a cute kid. Plus, every girl needs her Barbie moments."

"Oh yes. Not that I would know..."

"Oh really, from what I heard Mr. Hotstuff Rockstar sucks at playing Barbie"

"I do not!"

"Wow, never thought I would hear this argument between us," Maureen laughed.

"I cannot believe I just said that."

"Neither can I. God, why isn't Mark getting this on film."

"Because he is sleeping like normal people. It's only six."

"What? Why the hell am I awake? Wait, why are you awake?"

"I'm awake because I couldn't sleep."

"Wanna share?"

"Well..."

"Roger..."

"I was thinking about how you being home again. I guess it scares me to know what you do to yourself. I'm afraid I might find you in the bathroom dead. And not only that I do not think Mark would be able to go on."

"Wait, how do you know I um yeah."

"Mark was talking to me last night. He really does love you, you know? The fact that you cut yourself scares him a lot. Mark is one of the few of our family that should survive. You should be too, Maureen. Don't try to cut your life short."

"Roger, I- Well. Ugh. It is just easy to well. You wouldn't understand. I do love Mark I really do. It is just hard to believe he loves me and he deserves better."

"I know Mark is great. He is my best friend and I have no clue what I would do without him, but your great too. You just don't believe you are. I mean you and your crazy antics bring excitement. You have changed a lot and I know this, but you are still the same girl somewhere down in there. You just have to find her. Don't tell me I wouldn't understand either. used to be. Hell, I didn't leave the damn loft for a year and I was always whining at Mark and short tempered with him. Sure, I am moWe have a lot more in common than you think. I mean no I have never cut myself, but shooting up is similar. I mean hell I didn't leave the loft for a fucking year. I know it is hard to come back to who you were, but you just have to look into yourself. I am back to who I was, but I am just a bit more mature. Just try. Try for yourself. Try for me. Try for Mark."

"I'll try Roger. I'll try."

"I know you will."

He leaned across from where he was standing and hugged. He whispered again, "I know you will."

Maureen looked up tears glistening in her eyes and she couldn't help but smile at him. After everything he was still here for her when she needed it. It was similar to how they were before they ever dated. She missed hers and Roger's friendship. She missed being able to tell him what was on her mind and him not judging her. She had hopes they could gain that trust and friendship back.

Mark walked out and looked groggy and tired, "What the hell are you two doing up?"

"Oh Pookie, sorry we woke you up."

"It's okay."

Maureen hugged Mark and smiled at Roger. Maybe things could work after all. Roger seemed to be accepting her back quite fine and out of all of them Maureen knew he could hold a grudge the longest. She decided to go make herself comfortable next to Mark who was drinking coffee on the couch. She rested her head on Mark's shoulder and grinned to herself. She grabbed the remote and turned on the T.V. Roger started laughing when she put in one of the old films Mark had made. Maureen started laughing along with him when she relized which one it was. She started singing along, "Only thing to do is jump over the moon... Wow, that was one of the most fun nights we had. I recall a pale, Jewish film maker dancing on a table."

"Well, I recall a certain protestor flashing her ass to Benny and his investors. Or 'Hey Mister, she's my sister'"

Roger laughed at this, "Gotta love the Life Cafe. We have definately had some good times there."

Both Maureen and Mark nodded, "Mmhmm."

Roger decided he was going to get Reeny up and spend the day with her. Mark decided he wanted to spend the day around town with Maureen. He planned to take her on a picnic and take her to the zoo. He wanted it to be special day for them and show Maureen that he still cared. Maureen got herself ready to go out. Once they were both ready they walked out of the apartment hand in hand.

**A/N: Sorry it has taken me forever to update. Next chapter I will write about their day together though.**


	8. Porcelain and Cheap Glowing Stars

**Disclaimer: Um, still don't own Rent. **

Once the pair arrived to Central Park they found a place to set their picnic up under a shady tree. For awhile they layed on the blanket cuddling. Maureen finally decided she was hungry and sat up slowly looking down at Mark. He smiled up at her and sat up with her. He took out sandwiches and numerous kinds of fruits that Maureen had always loved. Maureen had always loved fruit for some reason. She could eat berries non stop. The sandwiches made Maureen laugh when she relized they were fluffernutters.

Maureen said between random giggles, "This reminds me of that night where me, you, Collins, Roger, and Benny made fluffernutters and Benny was all like 'who the hell puts marshmellow fluff on a peanut butter sandwich.' Then we ended up getting drunk and Benny ranted on and on about how deprived he was as a child to have never eaten a fluffernutter."

"That was the point. fluffernutters on our picnic."I was at the store and saw the fluff container and I knew I had to bring

"And that's why I love you." She blushed when she relized what she had said.

Mark leaned closer to her and kissed her, " Then, I will really have to do this more often, because I am still hopelessely in love with Maureen Leigh Johnson."

She smiled and took a handful of grapes from the bag and ate them while leaning on Mark. Mark took out some fruit dip that Mimi had taught him to make when she was stuck at home since Roger would not let her work in her "condition." She often argued that being pregnant was not a condition, but Roger wanted to be sure nothing happened to Mimi, or his soon to be born child. She got some a strawberry and put some dip on it and put ate it. She smiled at Mark and leaned back against him. He held her close and looked up at the clouds. They decided to lay back down and just hold each other under the shade of their tree. Even when they were dating back when April was alive they would sit under tree and talk when they needed to get away from it all. Maureen randomly said in a dazed voice, "Please, please just promise me you'll stay."

"I'll always stay. You always will and always have had me. I could never leave."

"I love you."

And with that she just dozed off in his arms. He looked down at her worried yet happy to know she still loved him. Maybe their love couldn't last forever, but Mark knew no matter what he would never be able to forget Maureen. They had been through too much together. He gently tapped Maureen to wake her up so they could go to the zoo. Maureen giggled at the fact they were going to the zoo. It made her feel young again. It made everything in the world seem okay for just awhile. They walked through the zoo happily holding hands and Maureen ranting about how cruel little kids can be. There were these two boys throw nuts at deer. Mark enjoyed ranting Maureen. After a long morning they both head home. Mark seemed to have a sudden inspiration and decided going out to film and since Reeny was taking a nap and Benny was working. That left Maureen and Roger bored at the loft. This lead them to a game of Clue. Maureen laughed and said, "You know what? I think it was your sister in the study with a santa claus hat."

"What?"

"We are both stupid."

"Why's that?"

"How long have we been playing and lying about not having clues?"

"Um about thirty minutes."

Maureen laughed some more and got out a bag of chips, "Chips?"

"You can't take the Hicksville out of the girl, can you?"

"You really can't."

"Have you written anymore poems besides the one at Collins funeral?"

For a second Maureen looked nervous, but decided to answer, "Yes. Yes, I have."

"Can you read it to me?"

Maureen went to get her little notebook and read out, "

_You used to call me your porcelain doll_

_I used to think it meant you thought I was flawless_

_And to you it did but realization hit me_

_Porcelain dolls have one flaw that to me is major_

_They could never be real_

_You do not need porcelain dolls_

_There are more important things than porcelain_

_Like friendship and documentaries_

_It took awhile for you to see what I already knew_

_Death can do that to you_

_It makes you see the truth_

_I know you know now_

_But you always come around_

_Looking for your meaningless porcelain doll_"

Maureen turned away and took a deep breath. Roger put his hand on her shoulder and gently turned her around. He wiped her tears away and she smiled weakly, "Thanks Roger."

"What are friends for?"

"Who really knows?"

"Well, friendship is thicker than blood."

"That depends."

"Depends on if you are willing to let yourself open up."

"It really does. It really, really does."

Roger sighed, "You know if you ever need to talk I'm here."

" I might have to take you up on that sometime."

" Good. I am interested in hearing what goes on in that pretty little head of yours."

"Well, that offer goes to you to. I am curious to know what goes through your mind...besides air."

"Hey!"

"I'm only kidding."

He sighed and looked back at her, " I know you are. Okay, can I ask you something?"

"That depends."

"Why do you doubt yourself so much? Look at how amazing you are. First of all, everyone of us loves you and your crazy antics. You're one of the most beautiful women any of us have ever meant. You have an amazing personality and a kick ass singing voice. Just learn to trust that someone can love you. You and Mark both deserve to be happy. Come on Mo, don't be me and shut yourself away from love."

Maureen turned away and just stared off for a moment.Roger hugged her tightly and rocked her back and forth as she cried. Roger sighed, "Reen, I'm sorry. I just hate seeing you so unhappy and afraid."

"I know you do. It is just you're right, but I cannot let myself really believe it."

"Maureen, if I said you are great you are. How often do I compliment anyone? Usually I am making some smartass crack."

"Point. I've missed this."

"Missed what?"

"Us being friends."

"We've always been friends."

"But it wasn't the same after April died. You were always mad since you knew I was cheating and I was mad at you for taking Mark away. We were always such good friends before that."

"I know what you mean now. I'm glad we are getting that back."

"Me too. Anyways I shared one of my poems with you so how about you share me a song you wrote...Besides Your Eyes. As much as I love that song."

"Okay as long as you promise not to laugh. I wrote this not long after April's death.

_Should have been so much stronger  
Should have been able to resist  
Then again we all break down  
And I just needed to feel the bliss  
Needed to feel the cool wind against my skin  
All I wanted was to forget your face  
And forget everything we ever had  
All I wanted was to move on from the nights  
Of ignorance and laughter and screaming  
My weak self is stuck on those nights  
Where we would sneak out and run around  
Like there was no tomorrow and no way of getting caught  
Somehow we seemed to believe it could last  
Our secrets shared under the lights of  
Cheap glow in the dark stars still mean so much  
And I still take you deep in my heart and deep in my veins  
No one saw the beauty that was really there  
And maybe we never wanted them too  
Since both of us knew beauty isn't timeless  
Dark turns to light and we're exposed now  
And what we really are leaves us out to burn  
Everytime I consider giving into it  
Maybe one day I'll even fully give in  
I just want to run away from the pain that was left inside  
We were already where time could stand still  
And we seemed to have lost it along the way  
The truth is I'm dying while you are gone  
Don't forget because I'll always remember  
I guess I was just trying to save myself from  
What I was becoming and we both got lost"_

" Wow, that's deep."

"Yeah, I guess...It is kind of stupid."

"It is not. It is just you and your life and your thoughts. It is exactly what you were feeling. And I love it."

"Well, if the drama queen loves it..."

"Oh, shut up Mr. My Pants Are Always to Tight."

"Fine, Ms. I Have My Own Tango."

"...What?"

"Oh, that must just be a Mark and Joanne thing."

"..."

"It was some random thing they were singing. I thought you actually made your own tango."

"Okay then...They are making fun of me?"

"You know I have no clue."

"Oh."

"It was like something they were singing after your protest with the cows and jumping over the moon."

"Probably Mark telling Joanne how much I cheated."

"You know even if you did cheat he still loves you. We all fuck up. Look at me I was a junkie and he still loves me. Hell, I'd beat the hell out of him during my withdrawl."

"It is different. You're his best friend.

"You're the love of his life."

"I guess."

"Now how about we get Reeny up and get some pizza and frozen yogurt."

"Yum! I like that idea."

They woke Reeny up and went out to get their food.

A/N: No it is not going to turn into a Roger/Maureen. It is a friendship between them nothing more.


End file.
